I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
