i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
