When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
