Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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