I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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