and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
