im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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