I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
