Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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