you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
