Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
