worst night to have a conscience
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
