I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
