I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just had sex on a roof
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
