we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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