She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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