just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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