I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
