I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
