She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All the doctor said was why
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
