I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
be right there i have to get my cape
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
