Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
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I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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