woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
