if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
