wrigley field is MILF paradise
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
