I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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