So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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