My liver just broke up with me...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
