I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Enjoy the penises
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
