Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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