He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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