Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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