your thong is hanging out like whoa
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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