Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
