dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
