Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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