if only i could text you this smell
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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