Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
