but the lizard people decide everything anyway
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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