My sheets look like a crime scene.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
