I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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