OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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