oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
