Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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