Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
