i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
