I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
