So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is the high leading the old right now
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
