I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm too high and old for this...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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