She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
