I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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