he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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