hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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