Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
