I just made out with a guy for $7.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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