he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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