It's Friday. Sex?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
