I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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