So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
