shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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