stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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