she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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