i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
