if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
