Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
